Insomnia Cave
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
tonight I will sleep!
As my eyes get heavy I hear a sound.
The sound I dread the most
What if!
No, No, deep breath and calming thoughts.
What if, what if!
It's getting louder......
No, no, no go away.
Go away I don't want you here,
you're not welcome anymore.
but the more I try to sleep the louder the sound.
What if, what if, WHAT IF! it shouts.....
I want to think of happy thoughts,
of hanging out with family and friends.
I visualise the happy times in front of my eyes.
I'm snatched and pulled into the dark.
What if, what if, WHAT IF it shouts.....
suddenly I'm surrounded by thoughts so negative
so negative I want to cry
but all I hear is What if@
wish there was an off switch
to make it go away
wheres my knight in shining armour to rescue me
nowhere as I'm not asleep it's only me I fear
fight as I may I cannot escape
I need to wake to escape, I'm not yet asleep
all I hear is what if, what if!
and now I'm laying here wide awake
in tears and thinking to myself.......
WHAT IF!
(Hollie Allen 11/11/2018)
This next poem is about how I often feel like I wear a mask to cover up how I truly feel. I think people with chronic illnesses get so good at wearing a mask that others don't often notice that they are even doing it.
Underneath
I wear a mask most every day.
well, sometimes two or more.
you see this smile it's not real
its the mask I wear the most.
but its fakeness rubs off on me
and so in time, my words become fake.
I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm alright.
all fake like this smile you see.
I need to be honest but I cant
I fear no one will understand
so I keep wearing my masks
to hide the world from true me
sometimes the mask slips and falls
to reveal the face underneath
for underneath is still more lies
this is why I wear more than one
to protect the world from the underneath.
For underneath this smile is my okay face
it's not happy or sad it just says urgh
most people struggle when this is seen
they don't know what to say
so awkwardly say it's not that bad,
think positivity.
But the truth is it gets darker underneath it all
for hidden next is sadness
this sad face shows a bit more truth
but still more hidden underneath.
the sad mask makes others uncomfortable
for that, I cannot help
it's only a small piece of the truth hidden underneath
most people just look and stair
maybe whisper of what they see
for they do not understand
the pain inside me
but if its bad and this mask slips
the truth from inside shows upon my face
I no longer have a place to hide
I try to be strong and show the truth
but no one knows what to do
with the depression found underneath
the lies of disguise just can't hide
just ask me how I am? I feel
but you're too scared of me
what is it of my truth that upsets you so
is it the fact I'm not happy
in distress, now my masks have gone
please just ask me how I am
learn more, or offer me support
then I might not need my masks to wear joy.
(Hollie Allen 01/01/2019)
This poem I wrote when I was struggling with my illnesses and feeling very overwhelmed by my life. I felt alone but wanted to process this into something creative.
Waves
I'm all alone......
But I'm not alone
I'm surrounded by water.
So much, it tries to pull me down
Every day I fight,
I fight to just stay afloat.
I keep trying to stay above the waves
But the more I fight the more tired I get
I don't know how to stay
How to stay afloat and not give in.
As time passes by the harder it gets
It's not getting easier
As I sink beneath the waves
For a moment I wonder....
should I just let go
Should I let this darkness win.
The light in the distance is fading away.
No, no, I tell my self.
even though it's hard don't give in
I fight to reach the surface
but the seaweed grabs my legs
When will I get a break, I want to win.
I manage to break free and reach the surface
With one big gasp of air, .....
it's not over yet.
But still more, the darkness throws more at me
My situation just gets worse
It's getting colder and the winds getting strong
The waves just get bigger and bigger
It's like it's trying to take me down.
My fight just gets harder
I feel it's unfair while others walk on dry ground
I stay here trying to just stay afloat
Just trying to survive.
A boat passes by
Can they see me?
I try to wave..... scream and shout
But I sink underneath
They can't see me......
As I return to the surface
It just passes by
Now I'm all alone again in the darkness
Should I give in it's been a long fight
But I'm so much stronger than this
It will not be my end
I have to fight on to warn others
So no one else has this fight
So fight I will, I'll scream and shout
And soon I will get heard
And when I do I realise
I'm not alone at all
There are others here I'm not alone
Maybe together we will be heard
With new found strength I shout and fight
And with every voice I hear
The struggle just gets easier knowing your about
I'm not alone
I can go on
This is not how my story ends
For I'm a chapter in a much bigger book
The book of all of us
Together were all the story
and our voices will be heard!
(Hollie Allen 02/01/2019)
No comments:
Post a Comment