alone

Where to start I feel alone most of the time! 

Although there are millions of people out there with the same conditions as me I can't help but feel alone. I feel like this at so many points in my week.

1) School run. I walk my son to school its half a mile there and half mile home again, and I have to do it twice a day. There are many things that make me feel alone about school run. Most of the mums at the school gates have hair done, makeup and well dressed. I turn up with unbrushed roughly tied up hair, no makeup and whatever clothes I can find that are comfy for my bloated endo belly and walk to school in. I feel out of place like I don't belong, I want to melt into the background but for my son, I socialise with the other mums of his friends. Also because some days this is the only adult contact I get (apart from husband). I also have to stand in the playground waiting for them to open the doors. By the time I get to the school, I am already in pain from the amount of walking I have done. then standing waiting to go in adds to this, I am aware that I need to walk home still. I'm stood there wanting to cry putting on a brave face feeling so alone while surrounded by people.

2) At home. I can go days without seeing another adult other than my husband and I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy. There is only so much toddler talk you can take before you go insane. I want to be one of those mums that go to mummy groups and makes mummy friends. But there are many reasons why I don't. I worry about being mummy judged because of the fact that some days when I'm feeling unwell I just stay at home and have a sofa day with the kids. I worry if I will cope with being up and about, and what people might say when I feel unwell and don't turn up or go home early. The times I do open up people just don't seem to get it, they seem to downplay what I'm going through. I don't know if its lack of understanding of what I have or experience. or if its that the topic makes them feel uncomfortable. but either way, it makes me feel alone.

3) Friends. I feel more and more that my illnesses are causing me to lose friends. I don't know if its because I go out less or something else. I try to stay in contact with all my friends and try to be honest about how I'm feeling, and how my health is. But I tend to get the response I hope you get better soon, and then they either move away from the conversation to a new topic or stop talking to me. I end up feeling like people don't understand my illnesses and how it effects me or that they don't want to know. I try to be honest then feel like my being honest is not wanted so I stop talking about it again. This, in turn, causes me to feel more and more alone until I just want to cry. I am now feeling like I don't have any best friends anymore, I feel so alone and when I feel low I don't know who to turn to.

4) The internet. This makes me feel very alone at times the culture of knocking others down rather than building each other up. The fact that people shame you for not being the perfect example of a mum. I have tried to open up on my personal social media about my conditions and on the whole, people don't even acknowledge my posts. This makes me feel alone as it's like my illness doesn't exist or that people don't want to acknowledge my illnesses. Sometimes I want someone to respond to my posts and try to understand. The one good thing about the internet is the other chronic illness people I have met and we support and build each other up. But even this has elements were people compete with one another, whose condition is worse whos had more worse days. I don't get this and wish as people we could support and be positive rather than negative.

I wish I didn't feel alone so much and that I was coping better with life. At times I feel like I'm paddling in water to stay afloat and People are sailing past not making eye contact. (for fear of acknowledging there is someone who needs help) But each time I have a bad day I feel like I'm about to go under and this time I might not get up again.