misscarriages

The first time I ever had a miscarriage was back in 2011 I was engaged and had recently had a Mirena coil fitted (about 7 months) we were on a scout trip to Luxemburg and it was 2 days into the trip I reaslised my period was week and a half late (maybe more my periods had not been regular). I decided I would take a test when we got home and think about it then. But few days late I started bleeding it was the most painful period I had ever had. I dismissed this as just heavier because it was late. that was until I went to the toilet and wiped and there on the tissue was a small blob and I recognised this as a fetus about 6 to 6.5 weeks I didn't know what to do scouts everywhere I wanted to do something with this but couldn't so flushed it away. I told my partner straight away but I didn't tell anyone else for years. I felt ashamed like somehow this was my fault I had done something. I Had the coil removed straight away when I got home and went onto oral contraceptives until I Tried to get pregnant with my son in 2013.

when my son was about 7 or 8 months I was feeling really tired and we went out to truck racing. strange way to start a story but they are linked. I usually like the smell of fuel (years of working in a petrol station) but we were sat watching the trucks race and I was feeling more and more unwell by the smell. After a while, I had to leave, I remember walking calmly over to the toilets then the strong feeling came that I recognised. I ran to the toilet and was sick, I knew what this meant it was just like when I was sick when pregnant with my son.

we left the truck racing early and headed to the shop to get a test I was 2 days late but I had just put it down to after birth settling down. I peed on the stick and nervously waited when I turned it there seemed to be a faint line but not a strong line. We decided to go to the GP tomorrow and get a blood test done. but it felt the same as it had with my son, I started to imagine my life with a second baby what would life be like would it be a girl or boy.

The next morning I booked an appointment to see my GP in the afternoon now to patiently wait. I hadn't had the usual pre-period issues I would normally get and was still feeling sick. But then before my appointment, I started bleeding but heavier than usual and I recognised this feeling it was just like when I miscarried in 2011. When I went to the doctor and explained my symptoms and what had happened and He said I think you're having a miscarriage and best to take it easy and come back if things didn't settle down.

After this, I went back onto the bill I had been on before my son. It didn't help my endometriosis but it would stop me from getting pregnant. I wasn't emotionally in a place to think about a second baby after this, I was struggling enough with day to day life with an illness that doctors said I was exaggerating and a baby.

It wasn't until we decided to have a second baby that I had to deal with all the emotions of what could happen again. We had tried for a long time and then my period was 2 days late and I was feeling sick again, (same feeling I got each time I was pregnant). I couldn't be excited I just had to take a test, it was faint was it a line was it not. again I booked to see the doctor for the next day not sure to be hopeful or not. that evening the same feeling I had before I was having another miscarriage pain but no bleeding yet. The next day just before I went to see the doctor the bleeding had started. I saw my doctor who said again it was very likely a miscarriage and if the bleeding doesn't settle down to go and see the doctor.
The next month I fell pregnant again and this time I didn't have a miscarriage and was blessed with a baby girl.

sketch to represent my miscarriages

I felt in pieces. I felt like a small part of my heart left with each miscarriage, with every baby that could have been in my arms. It has taken me a long time to talk to anyone about these experiences as I felt I couldn't share my thoughts with anyone, I'm not really sure why. Just because I didn't share my struggle doesn't mean I didn't struggle. I also feel blessed to have my children I know so many women would love to have a baby and can't. seems like many topics around the female reproductive system are all treated as a taboo subject still. I hope one day women can be open to this, and support each other.